Make Room

Never knew I enjoy expressing myself through writing my thoughts down.
Was it therapy or was it the lack of avenue to truly experience freedom in personal expression?
If there's something I learned studying theology, it's probably both/and rather than 'or'.

It's been 5 years since I've posted something on this blog.
Honestly, I didn't know it was still hosted!
It's been a crazy few years and the journey of how I felt led to join Alpha Asia Pacific is another post for another day.

Now that I'm here, 10 months in, I think a reflection and a review is due.

I got what I came for, Growth!

I was certainly stretched! I had to learn and grow or be left behind. It's like being a beginner again. I enjoyed learning in Alpha and in htbb; the process was hard. Navigating everything with Huey by my side gave me perspective and hope. She challenges me Godwards and that is what I invaluably love about her.

Funny how I never thought or 'liked' to travel, yet, God has quite a sense of humour to have me oversee Vietnam, Cambodia, Mongolia, Laos and Myanmar in Alpha which requires me to plan and travel, the two things that I don't enjoy. Put those two words together "plan travels" and that gives me anxiety. I'm not a good planner of my life, what more representing an international organisation for those countries?! Travel!? By myself!? Can I just stay at PJ and eat chicken rice? 

I felt on one hand, I'm done. What else Lord, do you want from me?
I don't think I'm capable of giving anything to His ministry or service.

So I'm contemplating to stop Leading Worship in htbb.

Oh ya, I've joined htbb for a year now, since July 2024. How time flies.

I always felt the Lord wants me to lead worship. Created, gifted and anointed me to do so, prophesied over, I'm grateful. I truly am. But, something inside me feel... I'm good. It's time I do something else.

But I now find it quite a challenge and no longer something I am quite skilled at doing.
It used to be the most natural thing to do - ask anyone from CLGC - but now, I feel very much at peace hanging up my worship leader hat.

It's like I'm entering into a new season.

Q: Do I need to leave this season to enter into the next?
Q: What does the next season look like?
Q: How do I know that there's a new season up ahead?

That's what I'm trying to figure out with the Lord.

I think I need to leave this season to enter into the next.

Reason being, I am getting older, I don't have that much time and my energy is limited.
Saying "Yes" to leading worship = saying no to other things I could do. It's not just the leading, it's the preparation, prayer, considerations of the team and congregation that takes a genuine focus and care.

So I'm bidding farewell to leading worship on Sunday service in htbb for awhile. I'll completing all my planning center dates I've agreed to and stop in August. I think there's something that I need to make space for that the Lord wants me to do.

The next season will look different but not entirely different.

I am puzzled why the Lord is opening opportunities for me to go on missions trips.
- Firstly, through Alpha, to the 5 countries.
- Secondly, Qui Lin called and asked if I would like to join them to go Kapit in Sarawak in Nov 2025.
- I'm going to Batu Pahat coming Sunday July 27th with Steven Tang to train a Burmese community on how to run Alpha.
- Leon Lim has been asking me to join him in Philippines to do worship conference the past 2 years but I couldn't make time for it.

Am I aware of what God is doing or am I merely concern about myself?

I somehow know that there's a new season up ahead.

My discerning partner aka my wife and I felt something like a shift. Hence, the consideration to stop something to make space for something else.

What is it? Missions work? Who would have guessed! Alpha is a missions organisation isn't it?

I somehow feel like I'm not wanting to embrace the new, not willing to accept the fact that I'm no longer that 17 year old boy who just wants to sing and worship. But I feel I have nothing to give. Empty, ready to retire and hang up my guitar & preaching. Happy to stay in the shadows and manage/maintain, not lean in. 

I'll be your Old Gunnar Solskjaer, the substitute that comes in for the last 5 minutes and hopefully make a difference, then sit back at the bench. It's nice being in a place full of leaders and folks wanting to take leadership positions. This makes me feel at ease that things are going well and I can focus on what exactly God wants me to do and do just that.

So what does God want me to do? The million dollar question. 

For me, I know, I need to make space, make room, make preparations to position myself for God to reveal His plans according to His good timing. Walking with God for so many years, I feel I don't have to play dumb. You kinda know. 

Huey has been sharing about how she feels there's nothing she really wants in her life by means of addition. There's nothing quite enticing enough for her to strive to get or add to her life. But if there's something more to life, it's gonna come by means of subtraction. The Eastern way of finding meaning.

Before we can take more of what God wants to put in our hands, we must first put down the things that we hold so tightly; to make room for God to fill and entrust us with other things He has in store for us.

So that's where I am. A place of transition.

Transitions:

Church: CLGC (Sept 2023) - PJEFC (Oct 2023) - HTBB (July 2024) 

Calling: Worship/Youth Pastor - Missionary

Position: Expert --> Beginner --> Intermediate

Learnings: Trust God, Develop Discernment, Cease Hurry and People Pleasing.

If I follow God, somehow God brings things and people together.
If I try to follow and please people, somehow I am divided and lost.

So to summarize: Trust God, be a humble learner, discern the Spirit's leading, always remember my true fundamental identity as a child of God, I am empty but that's a good place for God to fill and work through, make room for the new season.